The Jawa Bountyhunter
by Pikazilla
Summary: A Jawa who is escaping the wrath of the Tusken Raiders travels across the galaxy to find out that he shouldn't retreat, but fight. With Boba Fett and a new dark Jedi, the Jawas will fight for freedom and sexy chicks.
1. The Retreat

The Jawa Bounty Hunter

Chapter 1, The Retreat

It's Tatooine, in a small village two miles away from Mos Eisley 4 years and 42 Tatooine days before the war. I was a preteen Jawa feeding my ronto, named Ron, until I noticed something coming from the desert wasteland.

"Well Ron, it looks like we have visitors."

Riding on Ron, I check who the mysterious creatures were. Then, I saw the truth. The creatures were a lot of sandpeople. I returned to my town to warn everyone in my village surrounded by a wall.

"We have no choice, we need to retreat to Mos Eisley."

"I understand that we need to retreat, but to Mos Eisley?! Nole, are you crazy?"

"Dude, I know what I'm doing. I even have a surprise for them."

As we retreated to Mos Eisley with our rontos Ron and Toto, we witnessed the sand people falling for my trap. A loose piece of ground near the gate of the village with something worse than a pit of sarlaccs at the bottom.

"This place looks abandoned. Everyone, scout the area."

"Yes Senor Onkoink"

The crash was loud but was nothing compared to the enraged sandpeople.

"My god, what is that disgusting odor?"

"I know what we're in, RONTO CRAP!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

The victory was short lived however since the sandpeople followed our tracks (and our Ronto's smell). Our village of 40 jawas finally found Mos Eisley, however, there was no place where we could live.

"Now what genius?"

I noticed that aLambda-class T-4a shuttle was landing in Docking bay 94.

"Do we have a shotgun?"

"Yeah."

I went towards the shuttle with the gun.

"Nole, the genius. Yeah right."

I went to the shuttle with the gun.

"GET OUT OF THE FING SHIP BITCH!!! GET OUT OF THE FING SHIP!! GET OUT OF THE MF SHIP BITCH!!!"

My villagers went to the ship.

"Nole, not everyone can fit in here, it can only fit half of our village."

"Fine, I'll get another."

I found another shuttle landing in the docking bay.

"Get out of the fing ship bitch!!! Get out of the fing ship… blah blah blah."

With the shuttles, we retreated to the rebel base in Hoth, where we will never be bothered again, or so we thought.


	2. Wampa Wars

Chapter 2, Hoth

We arrived at hoth 9days before the war, right after we got swallowed by a giant worm for 2days. It took us a while since no one had an accurate map. We built some snowspeeders and AT-ATs (for long distance travel). It wasn't long until we got some uninvited guest knocking at the door.

"Sir Blackface, we got an unknown visitor at the gate."

"Visitor? I have seen deserts with more life than this planet. Open the gates."

Unfortunately, the guests were five wampas.

"Close the gates. Hurry!"

"It's too late; they've gotten inside the base!"

I was there, hiding behind a computer that I was trying to fix. However, one of the wampas was heading right towards me. I grabbed two wires with exposed copper and lunged it into the wampa, nothing happened (since the machine was turned off). I kicked it in the nuts, crawled under it and ran away.

"Run away, it's the wampas!!"

I continued to run down the hallways until I bumped into another wampa.

"How did you get here?"

The wampa roared into my face. I did the only thing that I could think of in this situation, I kicked the wampa in the nuts and ran away. I ran towards the storage room to get some weapons, but when I opened the door, there was a wampa eating our food.

"How many of you are there?"

The wampa charged right at me. Then, I stomped on his toe and kicked him in the nuts, twice, one for each cube. I crawled under him and grabbed a pan and hit him on the head. It only made him madder.

"What does a jawa have to do to get a plasmatic rifle around here?"

I realized that there was a plasma rifle right next to me. I was such an ass. I grabbed the rifle and killed the wampa, not will a bullet, but with a bash to the head.

"Now to get rid of the others"

I grabbed a Z-6 rotary blaster cannon, or what you humans say, a plasmatic 6 barrel chaingun.

"My god, this is heavy. Why do I have to be 3ft tall?"

Basically, I killed most of the wampas with a chaingun. I was considered a hero for that and for putting out the 20ft tall fire that I created when I hit the propane barrels with a bullet. (No one knew I did it)

"I, Midegro, Mayor of Hoth for life, hereby decree this unique… you know what, this speech sucks. Here, take this medal."

Leader of the army, that's what it said.

"Sweet, but you didn't tell me about all those guns in the supply room. We could whoop those sandpeoples' asses all the way to Endor!"

"We never thought of that."

"Then what the hell are we doing here on a tundra planet when we need to live on Tatooine, our home planet?"

Sir Blackface rose from the stands.

"Nole is right, we can't just continue retreating from anything that apposes us, we should fight!!!"

"Yeah, let's get back our land!!!"

We loaded up everything we had on the Lambda-class T-4a spaceships and left the planet. It was time to teach those sandbitches a lesson.


	3. Veedo

Chapter 3, Veedo

Chapter 3, Veedo

Finally we arrived on Tatooine, the stupid driver made us end on Endor. For the last FXXXING time, Tatooine is a desert planet. It looks nothing like Endor. But when we landed, 3 storm troopers blocked our path.

"Halt, let me see your identification."

Obviously, I forgot that I am not a jedi.

"You don't need to see his identification"

At first, I thought it was working.

"We don't need to see his identification?"

"These aren't the droids you're looking for."

"These aren't the droids we're looking for?"

"We can go about our business."

"No you can't. We want to see your identification!"

"Oh yeah?"

I did the only thing that any Jawa would do. I looked at the nearest Jawa next to me and said.

"Do we have a shotgun?"

After killing 3 stormtroopers, our Jawa family traveled to our sister tribe – The Skunk Faced Jawas (They had bad hygiene and a lot of black zits).

"Wait, we traveled to Hoth for almost a year, and yet you didn't ask these guys to help us with our Sandpeople problem before we left?"

"Yes, I'm a jackass."

"Nole, that can't be closer to the truth."

"SHUT UP!"

We went in the town owned by the tribe. We found Dan, the tour guide of the tribe's desert traveling hay rides.

"Welcome our fellow Jawas. Come and visit… wait… Midegro? Blackface! What are you doing here?"

Even though this tribe is an ally of our own, the alliance isn't… perfect. Their Mayor, Robin the hooded, is a bigger threat than any Sandpeople army. Mayor Midegro used to sleep with Robin's wives (yes, jawas can have more than one wife), while Blackface, our military leader, accidentally blew up half of Robin's palace with a rocket launcher.

"Can we see Robin?"

"Yes, but I'm not responsible for any trouble you get into."

"What the hell does that mean?"

What it meant was that the guards would surround us when we entered the palace. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened.

"Look, we don't want any trouble."

"Tell that to my wives you raped, Midegro."

"It wasn't rape, they wanted me to FXXX them up."

I so wanted to punch Midegro's face, but one of the guards did it.

"Look, we just need help. A sandpeople tribe raided our city. We need to fight back."

"Senor Onkoink's tribe? They are too powerful. Even if we help, we would need two more fighters."

"Who?"

"The greatest bounty hunter and the greatest jedi bounty hunter. These two are on Tatooine right now. One is Boba Fett, a bounty hunter famous across the universe."

I was a big fan of Boba Fett.

"BOBA FETT!! AHHHH!! BOBA FETT!! YEAH!! Yeah!! (pause) Yeah."

"Right…. The other one is a Jedi, who is the son of a survivor of Order 66. His name is Veedo the Dark Jedi. And no, it's not Veedo Vaocan, that's his cousin."

"I don't know who he is, but he's a dark jedi?"

"Yes, but he has no true alliance. He will team up with whoever gives him enough money."

"Wait, who's Veedo Vaocan?"

"Some Rodian hippie."

"So, his cousin is a Rodian Jedi?"

"Veedo the Dark _Rodian_ Jedi, he's even stronger than you can possibly imagine."

"But I never heard of him."

"He keeps a low profile."

"Right… Nole, you and Chuck find this Jedi and make him join this war."

"Why do I get Chuck?"

I was forced to travel across the deserts of Tatooine, with Chuck.

"Are we there yet?"

"No"

"How about now?"

"Shut up Chuck!"

"Howwwwwww about now?"

"Why did I leave my pistol behind? (I so want to kill him)."


	4. The Deal

Eventually, I found a small house near a cliffside

Chapter 4, The Deal

Eventually, I found a small house near a cliffside. There was a big cave in the Cliffside. Rontos were surrounding the house. One of them was running towards me.

"AHHHH!! GET AWAY!! GET AWAY!! STOP!"

The Ronto stopped. It was listening to me.

"Wait, I know this Ronto. There's only one way to know for sure… Burp Talk!"

The Ronto burped "Iiiiii, loooove, yoooooou."

"Holy Crap! It's RON!"

I forgot that our tribe left our Rontos behind during the move to Hoth.

"Roll over."

Ron rolled over.

"Hug."

Ron went to me so I could hug him.

"Good boy. Crush."

"What?"

Ron started to chase Chuck.

"Niiiiice."

As Ron chased Chuck, I saw someone near the house.

"No! No! Get away from me! I am not a female Ronto, I am a Rodian!"

Suddenly, the Rontos were sent flying into the air.

"WOW, WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"Huh? I'm guessing you never seen a jedi before. What do you want?"

"I need your help."

"Then let's talk about it inside."

I went into the house. There was a small waiting room with a desk.

"I don't get a lot of costumers, but I don't really care. I'm still getting paid. So, what do you need?"

"I'm from a jawa tribe that got attacked by Tusken Raiders. We are going to attack their tribe soon, but we need your help."

"Fine, but I do want money. I ask a certain amount of money, you give me 50 before the fight and 50 after the fight. Deal?"

"How much money is it?"

"The same amount of money a Theta-class T-2c shuttle costs."

"No kidding? We already have one; we can sell it to you."

"Hm… First give me the keys and then, once the battle is over, give me the ship."

"Deal."

"Oh, and one more thing. You know how to handle Rontos, right?"

"Yeah."

"Can you get these ones off my back, they won't leave my backyard, I can't stand it!"

Once we settled the deal, I walked outside towards the Skunk Faced Jawa tribe, which was 20 miles away… yeah…

"What are you doing?"

"I'm walking back home."

"You don't want to fly home?"

"Fly?"

The cave near Veedo's house was secretly storing spaceships. He had a HMP, a Droid Tri-Fighter, a Tie Interceptor, a X-wing starfighter, a Tie bomber and a Tie fighter.

"Holy shit, how do you have all these ships?"

"I stole them, now let's go."

"Can we go in the Tie interceptor?"

"It only has one seat."

"Please…."

"It's a good thing you Jawas are small."

We took off in the Tie Interceptor, despite the fact that Veedo had trouble driving.

"Get your ass out of my face!"

"Sorry."


	5. Under Attacked

Chapter 5, Under Attacked

Chapter 5, Under Attacked

We finally arrived at Robin's palace, but since we were in a tie fighter, we looked like stormtroopers attacking the place. The guards surrounded the ship.

"Wait, Wait! It's me, Nole!"

"Really? How did you get a tie interceptor?"

"It's mine!"

Veedo jumps out of the tie interceptor.

"My name is Veedo, the bounty hunter jedi. And that is a Ronto charging at me."

A Ronto charges at Veedo. Veedo jumps over the tall creature.

"For the last time, I am not a female Ronto."

The Ronto makes some grunting noises.

"My name isn't Velma, my name is Veedo."

The Ronto makes more noises.

"Oh yeah, you can't understand me."

Veedo makes similar grunting noises. The Rodian and the Ronto have a short conversation. The Ronto walks away. I had no idea what just happened.

"Uh, what the hell just happened?"

"Beast Language, a force power that allows me to communicate. In fact, without this ability, I would be unable to be talking to you."

Suddenly, the Slave I appeared. Boba Fett appeared.

"Hey there bitches. Boba Fett is here. The baddest bounty hunter you'll ever see."

Veedo wasn't so kind to Boba.

"You're reputation says that you're the best. Without that fame, you wouldn't be the best even if you had the skill. Sometimes, the most undiscovered talent can be the best talent."

"You think you're better than me?"

"I know it."

Robin tried to stop the fight.

"Now hold it you two, we didn't want you to fight each other. We need you to help us fight the Tusken Raiders."

The two bounty hunters stared at each other before backing off. A messenger Jawa appeared.

"Robin, they're here! The Tusken Raiders are about one mile away and are heading towards the city."

"Crap. Evacuate the city! Prepare for battle stations!"

Veedo didn't seem intimidated by this.

"Fighting in the city? This will be one fun fight. Everyone, stay out of my way. Especially you Boba Fett."

"Same here. If you go to close to me, I'll blow your freakin' head off."

"Ouch."


	6. It's a trap!

We decided to surprise these Tusken Raiders by hiding behind or inside buildings. I chose a tall tower near the edge of the city. Veedo will tell us when to attack by tossing his lightsaber in the air when the sandpeople are in the center of the city.

"Senor Onkoink, we are at the wall of the city"

"Uh, yeah dumbass. Will you stop pointing out the obvious?"

"Well sir, we Tusken Raiders are not as smart as the average… oh look! A bunny!"

This leader, Onkoink, was a real tyrant. He almost killed the bunny and punched the Tusken Raider who was looking at the animal.

"I don't care what you guys like or hate, if you don't raid that city within 20 seconds, all of you will spend 15 minutes in the snake pits."

"Poisonous snakes?"

"Oh no, worse. The raping snakes."

"NOT THE RAPING SNAKES!! NO!!"

Like a stampede, the Tusken Raiders rushed in the city, not letting anything getting in their way. However, Onkoink is still outside the city.

"Sir, are you coming?"

"No, the victims will try to escape, I'll make sure they don't escape. Besides, there are 3 other guys blocking the exit. If there are Jawas, they will all die."

Either this guy is smart, merciless, or is just a coward. But I don't want to mess with him. The Sandpeople walk into the city, but none of them sees any of us.

"Are they dead?"

"I think they're dead."

"Oh look, a bunny!"

Shortly after, I saw a lightsaber fly across the sky. I'm sure that was the signal, because everyone else did too. The sandpeople outnumbered us, but our surprise automatically killed 1/4 of the army. I was just shooting everyone I could see and dropping mine down the stairs of my building just incase… After killing 15 sandpeople with my sniper, I noticed that Veedo is walking towards Onkoink. His body was surrounded by about eight light sabers. His own force powers were making these sabers not only float, but be fast enough to block laser blasts. He literally walked through volleys of laser fire. Anyone else who would have entered this no-man's-land would be caught on fire from the heat of all those blasters. Veedo, with his amazing force powers, lifted a moisture vaporator and used it as a club, crushing his enemies from 50ft away. Veedo left the city's boarder to face Onkoink.

"Oh great, a Jedi."

"I know Tusken Raiders, they can't learn the ways of the force so easily, they're too feral."

"I don't need the force to win, I only need my light whip."

Onkoink pulled out a lightwhip, a lightsaber that acted like a whip. This lightwhip was at least 15ft long.

"The fact that you have no force powers means that you spend all your training on lightwhip combat. This could be an interesting fight."


	7. WARNING

This novel has ended production, possibly forever. However, if you have any ideas or a new chapter for the story, submit them to Pikazilla.


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